If you're asking that question, something already feels wrong. This checklist isn't a diagnosis — it's a way to see the pattern more clearly. Check anything that feels true about your relationship.
You don't have to be certain to reach out for support. Most people who have experienced abuse spent months or years questioning whether it was "bad enough." The doubt itself is often part of the dynamic.
If you checked even a few items on this list and something feels wrong — that's enough reason to talk to someone. See resources →
Common questions
Questions people are afraid to ask.
If any of these feel familiar, you're not alone — and you're not overreacting.
Yes. Emotional and psychological abuse — including gaslighting, isolation, constant criticism, and coercive control — causes serious harm and is recognized as abuse by domestic violence organizations, legal systems, and mental health professionals. The absence of physical violence does not mean the absence of abuse. In many ways, emotional abuse is harder to leave precisely because it's harder to name.
Coercive control is a pattern of behavior used to take away a person's liberty or freedom. It includes isolation from support networks, monitoring movements and communications, controlling finances, degradation, and using threats or intimidation to enforce compliance. It is a criminal offense in the UK, Ireland, and Scotland, and is increasingly recognized in US family law. It often happens without a single dramatic incident — it builds slowly until leaving feels impossible.
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where someone causes you to question your own memory, perception, or sanity. Common tactics include denying events happened, insisting you misremember or misunderstood, trivializing your feelings, and framing your accurate perception as paranoia or overreaction. Over time, this can cause a survivor to stop trusting their own judgment entirely — which is exactly the goal.
DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It is a manipulation tactic where the person who caused harm denies it, attacks the person raising the concern, and then positions themselves as the real victim. If you've ever tried to address a problem and ended up apologizing for bringing it up, you've likely experienced DARVO. Tether is specifically trained to detect this pattern in written communication.
Yes. Most abuse does not involve physical violence. Emotional abuse, psychological manipulation, financial control, isolation, and coercive control are all forms of abuse that cause serious lasting harm — including PTSD, complex trauma, and loss of self — even when there is no physical component. The research is clear: non-physical abuse is not less serious, and it is not easier to leave.
No. Abuse is almost never constant — the cycle of tension, incident, reconciliation, and calm is itself part of the pattern. The good periods are real, but they don't erase the harm. In fact, intermittent reinforcement — unpredictable kindness mixed with harm — creates one of the strongest psychological bonds known. It's not a character flaw that you stayed. It's a predictable response to an unpredictable environment.